Updated: Nov 18, 2019
Last night I was talking to my mother in law about my last blog post on remaining pure before marriage. It was called “The Letter” and I expressed how God worked supernaturally to bring Blake and I together, ending with a letter he wrote to me 5 years before we met. She apparently shared my story among her network and ministry organization that is currently fighting for purity in America. (I was wondering where all those hits came from!) Apparently, God’s work in my life touched people in profound ways.
She encouraged me to keep writing, and while I never thought of myself as a “purity blogger,” I definitely have some thoughts I am passionate about. She brought to my attention that a lot of young people my age deal with bullies or public shame for their decision to remain pure until marriage. My heart goes out to you! In this age of “tolerance,” people who choose to remain pure are often looked at as if they are “the problem,” broken, or as if their “weirdness” shouldn’t be tolerated! It’s a nuts world, guys, but I wanted to share 7 reasons why you should remain pure until your wedding night. You probably already know these reasons, but read them anyway as a refresher and a reminder that you are not crazy, broken, or weird. You are God’s child and you can do this through him and there WILL be amazing rewards at the end of your journey!
When you actively obey God, you ultimately experience security. Phil.4:7 “And the Peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” When you obey the Word and wait for sex until your wedding night, you will experience a heavenly security. For Blake and me, we waited and prayed for a spouse since we were teenagers. Blake wrote me a letter and made a list of what he wanted in a wife. When we found each other we waited and prayed again. We obeyed God’s rules on intimacy. Later I saw the list of things he wanted in a wife, a list he’d written weeks before we met. All 10 items described me 100%. I saw God actively working in our relationship. Because we feared Him and practiced faithfulness He made it obvious He wanted us together. Now I rest in the security that I made the choice God wanted. I rest in the security that I took the path he called me to. I rest in the security that God is with me all the way. I rest in the fact that if He brought me to Blake, Jesus will get us through life’s storms. That storm might be a major, drag out fight. That storm could be a miscarriage. That storm could be poverty or sickness. But because God used my obedience to show me His will, we have security that He will provide a way for us to get through those storms and remain in love together, forever.
2. A Clear Conscience
The first few days after our wedding I woke up in a deep peace. It felt so empowering not waking up to regrets, but to a clear conscience. All I could do was thank Jesus. There was no baggage, no mistakes I had to face that day. There were no past secrets I had to try and hide from Blake. There was no repentance for giving into the flesh. I had run my race…and won. I had climbed my mountain…and conquered. That feeling was worth all the effort we put into our relationship. A clear conscience is worth a million unmarked dollar bills.
3. A Deeper Friendship With Your Spouse
Marriage is hard, but it’s way easier when you are doing the hard parts with your best friend and not just a lover who doesn’t get your problems. How awful would that be?! What if you married the hottest guy on earth but the only way he knew how to fix your problems was through sex? FAIL. A good friendship is knowing what makes the other person tick, what makes them happy and sad. When you are sexually active before marriage, you miss out on building that friendship and forget to ask important questions. We get so focused on the excitement and the feelings, and forget to talk about the commitment, our future, our goals, our dreams, our core beliefs. Blake and I didn’t have pre-marital sex, so we had to find ways to enjoy our time together. Often that meant grabbing coffee and sitting on the beach talking about all that important stuff. The result was a thriving friendship. We were able to get engaged in 10 months and married in a year because we focused on that strong friendship first. Sex is the prize for running the race faithfully, not the reason for the relationship.
4. A Deeper Appreciation For Your Spouse
When you must fight for your spouse, when you deny yourself, when you wait and wait and wait… the bright side to that scenario is that you will love and appreciate them SO MUCH MORE. And your spouse won’t take your relationship for granted because you both know how hard it was to get where you are today. If you didn’t have to climb mountains to get to that person, if you got the prize before you ran the race, then guess what? You have to run the race backward. One friend told me she had sex before marriage. The reason was attraction, not love or friendship. So they got married and realized they had nothing in common except attraction…and it wasn’t enough. They had to start building that friendship and start the whole dating process all over again, dragging their child along. When you run the race backward, it’s not impossible to make it work. But it’s way harder than just sucking it up and running it the way you’re supposed to in the first place. When sex comes after marriage, you have a deeper sense of value because you worked hard for that person. It’s a huge blessing to appreciate your spouse instead of hating them and wishing you were a million miles away.
5. A Special Blessing
People told us that because we waited and obeyed God, that he would give us a “special blessing.” Now, I can’t find a verse in the Bible that speaks of a special blessing for waiting to have marital sex. But I did know that when I came to pray, I could freely request a special blessing. You can come before God and say, “I did what you commanded, please hear my request according to your will.” My special blessing I asked for was this: “God, I’m not asking for riches. I’m not asking for an easy life. I’m not asking for glamour or even perfect health. I just ask that since we obeyed you, please grant love between us forever. Don’t let our relationship crumble.” For me, the greatest blessing is that God would protect our relationship from the world and the devil. I want to be in love, really in love, with my husband for the rest of my life. God has the power to grant us our deepest desires.
6. Easier to Keep the Focus On Jesus
When you feel depressed about not having a spouse yet or because you can’t give into your desires, it’s amazing how close you get to Jesus. He fills that void and gives you strength over your passions. You talk to Him like you never talked to Him before. You discover power in Him. You find yourself on your knees much more often than if He allowed instant gratification at your fingertips all the time. This whole relationship thing is about worshiping Him and not about your feelings. As you wait and pray, you start to see Him work, and you grow in a relationship with Him at the same time you grow with your significant other. It’s AWESOME!
7. The Learning Process is a Blast
Last but not least, when you finally get married, the learning process with sex is like “going on an adventure.” You get to explore and make mistakes together. You get to laugh and fight and cry and figure each other out. You get to grow together. You get to toss loneliness out the widow together. You get to enjoy something important together. You get to enjoy something fun together. And if you wait until you say those vows, its magical. It’s the same feeling you get on Christmas when you get a new toy. All you want to do is play with it and figure it out. If you peeked and knew what your Christmas present was before you opened it, it’s just not as magical when you get it on Christmas morning. This experience is worth the wait.
I hope this encourages someone to realize that the world doesn’t hold all the answers to happiness. You aren’t “weird” or “old fashioned” because you want to hold off on sex. In this age of “sexual tolerance” remember that it’s important to fight for your rights to remain pure. Purity is a trophy to parade around and be proud of. If people are open about their homosexual lifestyle or their many sex partners, then I can voice my decision to sleep with only my spouse or parade my choice to live pure.
I’m often pleasantly surprised how many people respect me or think I’m super cool when I casually mention in a conversation, “Oh yeah, Blake and I didn’t sleep together before we were married…” When I portray my beliefs in a non-condemning, non-threatening, confident manner, people notice a difference in me. And they respect that. And that difference is Jesus. He is the reason and the author behind it all.
If you wait, if you work for your spouse, if you fight for him or her, and if you climb the Mountain of Friendship, the rewards will always outweigh the desire for instant gratification. Always!